opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
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diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
This pepper has seen some shit
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade