[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
You Might Also Like
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me: