ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.