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Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.