Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart