Google+ is not a “ghost town”, because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.

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Slow down in those corduroy pants. You’ll ignite a bush fire.


When I met you I was completely blown away because the wind was ridiculous.


I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.


COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.


“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!


I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”


Impatient means she’s restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital…

Learned that one the hard way.


I don’t ever worry about the kinda world I’m leaving my kids. They’ll just leave their shit everywhere anyhow


Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?