I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
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If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Morning my dudes.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.