Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
You Might Also Like
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
These are too funny not to post 😂
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭