Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
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If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people