Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I just ran a .003048K
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.