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My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
The prophecy is fulfilled
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Boating season is upon us.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?