@Staggfilms

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

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@blade_funner

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

@WeissBrandon

Cop: FREEZE, DON’T MOVE!!!
Me: *stops moving*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me:…
Cop: NOW!
Me:…
Me:…
Cop: for the love of god…unfreeze

@BigPlanetEarth

Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “sorry for the damage.” Film reactions. Profit.

@TheCatWhisprer

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

@jordan_stratton

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

@NotKarma

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

@asimplesean

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

@LynnsDelighted

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

@TheHatStore

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze