google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
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Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.