@PleaseBeGneiss
@HomeProbably
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
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@HomeProbably
@badbanana
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
@Mulva74
I feel sorry for people that haven’t found their true love. My sister is on her 5th.
@Brocklesnitch
I can’t believe women used to have to wear shoulderpads, i’m so grateful menstruation moved to the vagina in the 90s.
@bobvulfov
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
@KKAlThani
“Dad, why did your generation find a fat guy singing in Korean & pretending to ride a horse entertaining?” “I don’t know son, I don’t know.”
@FrazzleMyGimp
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
@krishna_van
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
@nbadag
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
@squirrel74wkgn
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me