google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

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The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.


I feel sorry for people that haven’t found their true love. My sister is on her 5th.


I can’t believe women used to have to wear shoulderpads, i’m so grateful menstruation moved to the vagina in the 90s.


BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star


“Dad, why did your generation find a fat guy singing in Korean & pretending to ride a horse entertaining?” “I don’t know son, I don’t know.”


[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.


People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year


WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft


[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me