Him: Honey, I wrecked the car.
Me: Omg! Did you pick up the food first?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
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Wife: How’s the baby?
Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot.
Wife: Aw. His socks or yours?
Me: Socks is the neighbor’s cat..
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*