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YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.