@LindaInDisguise

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

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@AristotlesNZ

Wife: How’s the baby?
Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot.
Wife: Aw. His socks or yours?
Me: Socks is the neighbor’s cat..

@seancehat

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

@Dutch_50

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

@ADHDeanASL

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

@TheDizzyBeauty

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

@Ygrene

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*