Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Google search history:
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Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Him: (sobbing) just tell me why you’re leaving me
Me: I’m just not ready for a serious relationship
Him: but… we’re married
Me: yeah I gotta go
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
The four stages of a day off:
1. I will do so much stuff
2. Later I’ll do lots of stuff
3. Eventually, I’ll do some stuff
4. Oh no.