@Iwriteforcats

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

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@Jazzzzzmina

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

@AngelaEhh

This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.

@murrman5

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

@nPhelendriqal

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

@pilau

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

@OneFunnyMummy

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

@SamuelHLowe

– Baby, I can’t sleep.
– And it was pissing you off that I could?

@FilthyRichmond

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

@ComedicBust

My uber driver’s looking at me like he’s never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.