[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

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Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times


This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.


if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?


A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.



Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale


Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!


– Baby, I can’t sleep.
– And it was pissing you off that I could?


Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.


My uber driver’s looking at me like he’s never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.