[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
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jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I have a place for everything. The floor.