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Asterisks are awesome.

*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*


HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!


Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..


send bail money!


Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.


I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now


Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.


INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs


My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.


“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*