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I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.