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Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
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I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”