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Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Cashiers are always checking me out
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
This sounds bad:
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.