@librarianfonz

Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.

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@GrantTanaka

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

@DamienFahey

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

@Brampersandon_

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

@Mulva74

And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.

@TheMichaelRock

What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?

Twerky

I’ll show myself out.

@shutupmikeginn

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

@Lerky

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

@YourAnMoron

People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.