exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.
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Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.
What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?
I’ll show myself out.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.
(whispering): Siri, whose bed am I in?