*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
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“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I forgot how to panic. Help
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
sry
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
The funk soul brother
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.