Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
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A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I鈥檓 a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I鈥檓 white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what鈥檚 your problem
Naked and afraid, but it鈥檚 just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
He wanted to make sure馃槀
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Job interviewer: “It says on your r茅sum茅 that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
They got Raph!
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE鈥橲 MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.