*googles how the hell I ended up here*
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I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Taking phone security to the next level.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount