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I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
this is the most humiliating day of my life
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?