@niccolethurman

*googles how to cook something*

Food Blog: Well, we’re gonna get there but first let me tell you about my trip to Sicily when I was 17, a boy named Valentino and how I discovered the joy of GRAINS.

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@ValeeGrrl

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

@StewieTea2

Which idiot called it a vasectomy?

Rather than ‘I kid you not’

@xoCAMILLAxo

I bought a toilet brush at the store the other day but it kind of hurts so I think I’ll go back to paper!

@TheHyyyype

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

@TBH42

There was a time when men expected to be your lover without getting with your friends. That all changed in 1996. Let me tell you a story…

@PinkCamoTO

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

@HomeWithPeanut

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”