Every BBC series about the universe.
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]