*googles murder tips

*adds “asking for a friend” at the end of each search

They won’t be able to prove a thing!

*evil cackles

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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.


I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.


My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.


4yo has repeated one word for an hour. 6yo is ninja fighting his imaginary friend.

My move to a mental asylum will be an easy transition.


I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.


Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.


Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?