*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no