@JoParkerBear

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

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@sonictyrant

Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery

[Later]

Me: *gestures at kid* Well?

Wife: i meant the hamster

@OkieGirl405

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

@missmayn

My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone’s facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.

@UnFitz

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

@AdmiralAkbrown

I get so fustrated when people say “supposably” or “irregardless” I feel like I’m literally drownding

@jackie_ibbyxo

If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.

@LuvPug

If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops

@LimeyTheGreat

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”