Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery
Me: *gestures at kid* Well?
Wife: i meant the hamster
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
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I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone’s facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I get so fustrated when people say “supposably” or “irregardless” I feel like I’m literally drownding
If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.
If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”