*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
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pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
My life in a nutshell
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”