@HatfieldAnne

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

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@huntigula

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

@DothTheDoth

If you’re walking past an old abandoned house & the front door opens for no reason, go into that house.

@UncleDuke1969

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

@CulturedRuffian

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

@ThaJawn

I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey

@EndhooS

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

@jackiembouvier

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

@markydoodoo

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

@tastefactory

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

@delusions_of

This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.