Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]


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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?


If you’re walking past an old abandoned house & the front door opens for no reason, go into that house.


“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”



1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.


I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey


Do you know how fast you were going sir?


Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”



Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”


“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.


I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that


This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.