*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
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Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
mood
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find