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Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.