my signature move is yelling “where in the fridge?!” and “i don’t see it!” until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
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Therapist: ‘In a word, tell me how you feel about-‘
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.
It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!