Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
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not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.