@SJKSalisbury

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

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@Gupton68

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

@randomnloveit

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

@parkerismss

security question: who was your first grade teacher?

my first grade teacher, hacking my bank account: oh HELL yes

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

@RoosterMustache

Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor

@GBRougecity

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

@AimeeHelene1

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
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5 minutes later

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@Zombie_Kitv2

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.