[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
You Might Also Like
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?