[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
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Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.