Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!

– dogs

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

applying for a new job

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby