[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

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People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.


My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.


*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”


Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet


[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
her: really?
me: -to leave
her: what?
me: no dogs allowed to leave
her: but-
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now


The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.


Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.


Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok