[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
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I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.