People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
You Might Also Like
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
me: -to leave
me: no dogs allowed to leave
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok