[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
no refunds
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
#DesignFail
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.