French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that spider monkeys are not half spider half monkey
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.