@girlnarly

Gordon Ramsay: *smashing things* WHY IS THE OVEN FACING THE WALL?!?

me: dude you told me to set it at 180 degrees

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@SorryDontClaire

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

@junejuly12

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

@ilysmooky

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

@Diversion50

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

@E_lok44

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

@TravLeBlanc

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

@TheCiscoKidder

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

@joeljeffrey

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

@pixelatedboat

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

@Marlebean

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”