Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
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How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Midwest trash talk
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.