gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
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[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Me too
Life is a suicide mission.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.