@BoogTweets

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

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@myonlymizztake

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

@lovemydogduck

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

@envydatropic

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

@t0shiba

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

@GrantTanaka

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.

@revious

My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole

@WritePlay

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING