gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..