Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
You Might Also Like
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”