Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
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Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
*walks in stumbling*
Jesus, Paul how much have you had?!?
“Just a couple shots”
Oh that’s not bad then
*flashback to Paul injecting heroin*
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I’m a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
RIP is the LOL of dying…