Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
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Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.