Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
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….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Breaking news:
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”