Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

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<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad


I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face


Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.


Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.


I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.


Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.


Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips


Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.


Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.


I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.