Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”