@Donna_McCoy

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

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@Shade510

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

@PleaseBeGneiss

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

@blade_funner

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

@TheAlexNevil

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

@2tickytacky

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

@hinnaz

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

@EndhooS

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

@crmotwo

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

@jctwritesstuff

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.