Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
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I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Dishonest mechanic?
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons