“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.