Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
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Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.