[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
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Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.