@myonlymizztake: Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
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@HuntPoindexter: My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
@Robert_Beau: You know you're getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
@BeCoco77: True Story: A guy at the supermarket walked up to me today and asked me if I was on twitter. I said no. If you're reading this, I lied.