@myonlymizztake: Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
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@melissaFTW: I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
@sonictyrant: Widow: did he say anything before he passed? Me: *tearing up* he just said "tell Sheila i love her" Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
@PavelASamsonov: It's actually only "Helvetica" if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it "sparkling Arial"
@lisaxy424: Me: I'd kill for a body like that Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c- Me: yeah I'd rather kill