Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
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#DesignFail
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
He took my last fry, your honor
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?